Awkward.

I just spent the last four hours watching a show about an awkward high school girl and her battle between relationships and popularity. A dysfunctional family, in love with best friends, friends who give unclear advice and a guidance counselor she trust to share things with. 

I find myself emerged into these shows as if they were my life. The battle I feel I fight daily between God and John. My families dysfunction, including the in laws. Friends I can't really express how Infeel too therefore the advice is unclear and Indont know what I'd do without my life coaches guidance. 

Yet here I still sit wide awake and extremely tired. My husband came home from work early just to leave and hang out with friends. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that right. At the end of the day it bothers me for some reason but why should it. He's an adult and why should another adult tell another adult what to do. 

I just feel so conflicted. Gambling, lying, pornography. I don't trust what he's saying. Or is it just my own insecurities.

Why did I make the decision to move here? Why do I put myself through this? 

God please be with me. I'm tired and overwhelmed but need a way out. I have embrace the emotion and no longer want it to consume me. I can't control his actions I can just talk with you about how I feel. I'm letting go and giving it to you. I've wasted enough time wooing over it. Let your will be done, do what you want in me. Whatever is hidden that I may not  see, bring it to life. In the precious name of Jesus, amen.